To my girls

Funny, I have 3 or 4 blog posts that I have written, but didn't post. Weird how I have turned what was supposed to public into my private diary. This is a post though, that I have been thinking about for a long time, and am finally writing. Partly because I am buzzed, and partly because I have the time. This is going to sound a lot like a love letter to my girlfriends, mostly because that is what it is. Living at home this past year and a bit has made me realize just how vital girlfriends are in life, and how much I desperately miss them. To my male friends: I love you too, but let's be real. Girls and guys are different, and my guy friends can never supply the essence of the female friend. You may be a fantastic friend, but you're not a girlfriend.

I have never been a girl to have an obscene amount of girlfriends, and this became particularly true during college. During high school I hung out with girls more than guys to be sure, but I didn't really make new ones. I had my group, and we were cool. Most of them were from elementary school, or were friends of my friends from elementary school. I have roots with these women, and maybe that is what makes them so important. They know me, my history, who I have been, and who I am becoming. Some of us don't fit together anymore, but some of us work better now than ever. I made one real girlfriend in college, and she is just fantastic. We seem to be going through very similar things in life, and in a way, it's nice that we have no preconceived notion of what came before. We just know each other as the women we were at 20 and 19. We have similar upbringings and parents, so in a way, it feels as though I understand her past, and she gets mine.

While I haven't acquired many girlfriends, I know that the ones I have are pretty fucking fantastic. Truly. I know that girls are known to fight and be catty, but I can honestly say that I trust these women with my life. They know my secrets, and I can't honestly see them betraying me. (So... don't. okay ladies?) That's not to say we have never had our ups and downs or problems or ever gossiped about each other, but we don't.. fight. I can't think of a time I have truly been so upset with any of these girls. We may have separated for a while, and seen things differently, but I don't think I have ever felt like they have done anything to harm me or my character. (As a disclaimer, I don't really fight with anyone). I respect each one, and truly want the best for them. I love to see them succeed. I want them to be happy, and to find what they want most in life. When they succeed, I really just get so excited. They are doing awesome, and that is ALWAYS a reason for celebration.

Part of the amazing things of a girlfriend is the understanding and the support. I can tell my girlfriend that I have no clue what to do in life, and they can easily respond with a "me either. but we'll rock it when we get there." If I have an idea for what maybe I should do, it's "Hell yes, man. Do what makes you happy. You can do it!" Sometimes, you just really need someone on your side, and I feel like they are. It is hard because none of them live in the same town as me. There are so many ways to communicate, but it's just not the same. I have realized that though I don't want a romantic relationship, I really do miss my close friendships. When you feel like your support system is spread around the country, it makes it hard.

So I want to say thank you to these amazing women who are in my life. This is sappy, but true. You guys keep me sane. You make me feel like I am not the only one. I am so lucky to have people I can trust. I miss you. But distance is just shortened by a drive or a plane ride. There are many reasons why I am thankful to have you each in my life. This is enough for now though. Thank you for everything.

Dreams

One thing that I have always been fascinated by has been my dreams. I have always been a vivid dreamer, and can still recall childhood dreams with more clarity than a TV show I saw last week. I've always been one of those people who often wakes up feeling certain emotions, depending on the dreams. Sure, I don't have intense dreams every night, but I usually remember dreaming almost every night. It's surreal when you wake up feeling more happiness, heartbreak, fear or some other strong emotion than you ever feel throughout the day. Of course, the negative dreams linger longer than the good ones, but such is life. I've never seen Inception, but from what I understand of it, I really don't need to. I've dreamed within a dream, within in a dream. I've had supernatural experiences in my dreams. I've been half awake, unable to make my body move while my brain is telling me I need to get up. (By the way, that is the worst fucking feeling ever. You feel as though someone is watching you or robbing you or about to violate you, and you can not move. You can not speak, you can't pull yourself out of whatever that place is. You feel a heavy pressure, and I imagine it's much like what being paralyzed feels like. As someone who does not like losing control of their body, it's terrifying.) I've had mofia dreams, several times, where the mob kills my whole family and I have to run because they are hunting me. I have my famous 'penis' dream which is really funny, but at the time was frightening. I've had dreams of boys and crushes that seemed so real that they still bring a smile to my face. I've had points where I can't remember if what I remember is a dream, or if it happened in real life. Yet overall, with all the bad (which reflecting on my dreamemories [a word I just made up] seem to outweigh the good), I've always loved dreaming. I've always had a good relationship with sleep. I don't think sleep is a waste of time, because my brain works so hard during it. And sleep is just awesome in general, biologically and beyond.

Until recently. My quarterlife crisis has been staring me in the face lately, to the point where my mom thinks I might have an ulcer. I took a mental health day off of work, and just about had a breakdown. My body was revolting against food, my torso was continuously in pain, and it was just overall not that great. Things aren't quite so bad and my stomach seems to have calmed down. But my sleep is still a little janky, and it worries me. Off and on over the last month, I've had issues sleeping. I blame it on the heat, because I hate the heat, and need a room to be cold to be comfortable when sleep.  I just don't fall asleep as easily and wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night. Which, according to every sleep aid commercial, most Americans have it a lot worse than that.

However, this last week has freaked me out a bit beyond that. For instance, last night, as well as the night of the 4th, it honestly kind of felt like my body was trying to kill me. That is a big exaggeration, and the pain wasn't that, but it was more of the way that I felt when I woke up. I had odd dreams-not really scary, but just..... such a consuming bad feeling. I had to get up and get out of bed to try to make myself feel better. I can't even fully describe the way I felt when I woke up, or the emotion that would be attached to it. It was... heavy. It felt like an emotional weight that I hadn't really experienced before, and it was quite unpleasant. My stomach was in pain, but that may all be due to the potential ulcer. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but it feels like doom. Whether that's doom if I move, doom if I stay, doom in life in general, or what I am really unsure. I've just never felt like sleep isn't my safe place. I find my brain utterly interesting, but this scares me a bit quite frankly. It affects my morning, and takes me a long time to shake. I believe in listening to your body and your subconscious, yet I don't know what all of this means. I wish I could be linked up to a machine while I sleep to see what parts of the brain are activated while all of this is going on.

I know that my body isn't actually trying to kill me, so I just hope that I figure out this internal turmoil to go back to just the bizarre dreams that I prefer.


 

It's been a while.

Man, I suck at keeping a blog. I knew this would happen. I think about it a lot, and I've even written two draft posts (which I decided were too personal-go figure. point of a blog, right?) However, I'm hoping this will change because I got my new laptop this week! I have named her Herbert, and she is so pretty. I am one of those people who name their things. My mp3 player is named la granja, and my car is named Sheliah. I didn't name my last computer, but with this one, it was required to go through the whole registration thing. And for some reason, Herbert popped in to my head. Which is also the second time in my life I have used Herbert for a female. I once named a girl duck Herbert.

Anyway, I'm trying to use my new laptop as the moment of change for my life. I'm seriously considering moving, but I'm having a hard time finding a job. I can't decide if I should hold out for a job that actually has to do with what I want to do with my life, or if I should just get a job and keep trying to volunteer until I have more experience to get the jobs I want. Or, if I should just move and then find the job. I know that's not the smartest thing, but the jobs I want aren't really specialized jobs, so I feel like the fact that I don't live in that city might deter a place from hiring me. I also want job that won't make me have to dip in to my savings to survive. So, we'll see. Plus, I'm just so ready to be somewhere new. I've been here for a year, and my life isn't really going anywhere. I don't really have the relationships here that I used to, and I don't feel that attached anymore.  Canada won't accept me either, because I'm not skilled enough, worth enough, nor do I have family or a spouse there. So...unless a Canadian wants to marry me... I'm going to have to wait a while. That's okay, because I still want to go to school there.

I also think moving will force me to think about my life more. I'm just..comfortable now. It's boring, I'm not challenged really, personally or professionally. My parents are kind of driving me crazy. I just need to do it. I'm hoping to be there by the end of the summer. There was a chance I'd stay in town if I got this really amazing opportunity, but nothing came out of it. I tried to put myself out there a bit more, and I got no response. I can't tell if I should try again or just let it go. It's possible the email got deleted because the place had a big event going on that week. I'll decide on Saturday, which is when I volunteer.

It's also hard because a lot of the jobs that have to do with what I want to do require canvassing and calling people. I'd rather not work in that part of it. I don't mind doing community events and tabling, but calling people fucking sucks, so I imagine going door to door is a lot like calling people, only amplified. I'll figure it out though. I'm feeling more of a desire to get out, and that's what really matters. It'd be really scary, but more and more I feel like it's what I need to do.

There's also the possibility that it will be absolutely miserable. I have a hard time making friends, and so that is what makes me most nervous. I'm good at making acquaintances, but taking it further into actual friendship takes me a long time usually. I don't know where I will meet people. Luckily, I don't be totally alone, since I know people that live there (and it would be really nice to have a girlfriend in the same city again). I am also nervous about my dog, because I can't force her on anyone, and I don't know how she'll do when it's just the two of us. She has come a very long way in the last year, but she doesn't do change well. And I think it would be pretty neat to live alone. I would just have to make sure I don't become a complete hermit. I would be afraid of having someone break in, but in all reality, crime is pretty high in my current city, so I feel like you just have to find a better neighborhood and be smart. There's crime everywhere, so you just have to do your best to avoid it. However, I would not get a gun. I have defense weapons, and I'm not going to shoot someone for stealing my stuff. But, my view on guns is a whole other blog post or two. So anyway. We'll see what happens. It's all up to me being able to make that move, and this is about taking control of my life. I'm too young to be miserable.

I hope I follow through... but knowing me, there's still a possibility I won't.

You're beautiful.... remember? James Blunt said so.

Yeah, I did that. I like old popculture references and I think we let go of them too soon.

Now to what I actually want to write about. Beauty.

It seems to be a pretty ever-present topic in our day to day life. But what does mean? For me, beauty really has very little to do with attractiveness. I have pushed myself into seeing people for who they are, and letting that beauty shine. This is because when I was younger, I was constantly looking at other people and feeling inadequate in terms of physical appeal. And I got sick of that shit. I also got older. I gained confidence. It was not a quick process, but I got there eventually. But now there is one thing that bothers me.

As women, I feel as though it is not appropriate to say, "Yeah, I like my body. I'm pretty content with my level of physical attractiveness." The stereotype of girls saying, "Ugh, I look so fat today" or "Ugh, my [certain body part] is so [hideous, like a whale, is awful, etc]" or just general disparaging comments is actually pretty true. Countering that are the friends who hear this and say "Ohmygod, you are crazy!" or "Dude, don't even. My [other body part] is [even worse comparison]." There are also many motivational quotes and sayings for girls to love who they are and not feel the pressure to look a certain way. Yet there is little celebration for women who actually have achieved that level of being okay with their bodies.

 Granted this is not everybody, and I feel like I have certain friends who I can say, "Damn, my [body part] looks great today!" to and they will say, "Dayyyyum, hell yeah it does!" in return. Yet I feel like in general, girls like to hate on other girls who actually have the confidence that we all are potentially striving for. I used to be that girl-totally. I hated seeing other girls looking prettier than me, having confidence that I desperately wanted. Mostly though, I hated them for having what I didn't have. I wanted to know how they got that. And then I would start to dislike them, based on nothing, and create in my head this vision of them where they are a terrible person and a whore. The sad thing is, I am certainly not the only one. Girls do this. They really do. I decided one day that it was stupid and rude. I don't know this girl. She has her own insecurities just like me, why should I be mad because she's having a good time? So, I slowly trained myself to stop. Here's how:

I started admitting to myself when and of what I was envious. I also started saying something nice about this person to combat the mean that was ruminating in my head. Such things as "well, she looks like she's a good friend" or "Good for her-she's enjoying her night out." Strangely enough, it's worked. I also started a drunk crusade of girls being nicer to each other. Every time I'd go out drinking, I'd tell every girl in the bathroom that girls are too mean to each other, and then I'd compliment the girls in the bathroom. It was ridiculous, but the response I got was actually really positive. While I don't drink or go out as much as I used to, I still try to do this mentally whenever I see girls and feel that tinge of envy.

This leads me back to my original point. Being envious of someone because of their looks is pointless. Unless you are willing to go under substantial plastic surgery, why bother? Sure, I wish I looked differently sometimes-but I don't. I'm also lazy and don't bother spending a lot of time trying to make myself look better by doing my hair and make-up. So, I decided to work on changing what I can change-which is who I am. I strive to be kind, to be loyal, to be honest, to not be the person who weighs others down. I want to make others laugh, I want to be happy with who I'm becoming, I want to be driven, I want to be a positive in this world. I want to make change, I want to make a difference in the lives of others in a good way. The strange thing is, working on who I am inside, has made me feel so much better as to who I am on the outside. I'm not focused on the parts of me I don't like, and it's actually quite liberating. It's not easy, certainly. But it feels so much more productive to work on what I can change about myself, rather than wishing parts of me were different.

I have changed my definition of beauty, and as cheesy as it sounds, I have decided it really does come from within. You can be born with a beautiful appearance, but it doesn't mean that you are a beautiful person. I'm not trying to say that I am perfect, but rather that I acknowledge my flaws and weaknesses, and I am okay with them. I am working on it, and it's a personal struggle. I don't feel the need to tell other people how awesome I think I am. That doesn't matter. Telling myself that I am not a wretched human being has gotten me a lot further.

So I guess that's my call to other women: stop putting other women down because of the way they look. Focus on yourself, you'll likely be a lot happier. I used to have a roommate who would frequently make comments like "how does she have a boyfriend and I don't? She's not even cute!" Well, if you have a shitty personality, that's probably why. Looks are nice, but they aren't everything.


 

Oh, hey there.

I really needed last weekend. I got to see old friends, I got to travel, the weather was gorgeous, and it was overall a pretty carefree weekend. Plus, I got to go to Vancouver, which in my head has been existing as a form of paradise, a magical place where all my dreams will come true. This is because I have sort of set my heart on going to grad school at UBC. Vancouver itself was a little overwhelming for me, I'm not going to lie. BUT HOLY SHIT was campus amazing. It was big, but quiet. At the end was a superb view of the bay and the mountains. It was secluded from the rest of the city, which made it feel very Northwest. Or I suppose Southwest, since it was Canada. The only downside is the expense of living in Vancouver/surrounding area. It's incredibly expensive, and very hard to do with a not-so-small dog. One thing I gained over this past week, however, is extra determination to go. Now my biggest fear is not getting accepted. I think that would legitimately break my heart. So, it fueled me to work on my volunteering and to make things happen. I sent out an email to my dream location today, so I'm hoping she'll respond with something I can do. I donated money last week, but I don't think that really counts.

Another aspect that has helped my determination, I think, is that I feel as though my parents are coming around to the idea more, and are growing more supportive. I was going to do it anyway, but my parents are an incredibly large part of my life, and there's still the little girl in me that wants to make them proud. Having their support just helps my overall moral. Plus, my mom surprised my brother and I this morning with a monetary gift from my grandma's estate. My grandma didn't have a will, so her money was to be evenly divided between her children. My mom has decided to share that with my brother and me, and I am incredibly grateful. This has not solved all my problems, no where near it, but I know she knows that this is a huge thing for me. All I am currently worried about is how to afford school in Canada. I did a cost calculator at the UBC website, and they say I need 30k to survive each year. The program is 2 years. The sad part is, the school itself is only 1/3rd of the cost. Not even, actually. It's the living expenses that add up quite quickly. Of course I would work, and I would love to get a scholarship, but I would prefer to not be completely broke while attending school. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst.

I just want to be brave enough to do it. I trust in me, and I trust that things happen as they are supposed to. If this is meant to be, then it will be. If it's not, then something else will just come of it. It reminds me of one of my favorite movie quotes: "You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand."
I just have to brave enough to push destiny the way I want.



(I may also be feeling a little postive and bright because of the weather outside. It's so warm and sunny, the flowers are starting to bloom. You can't help but feel happy.)

The post that may never be

I'm slowly working on a political post, but it keeps making mad, so I've been walking away. A lot of things about politics make me mad, which is unfortunate since I was a political science major and now I can barely handle a conversation concerning American politics because all I want to do is make loud "ughhhhhh-"type noises. So, rather than focus on that right now (even though it would likely make me feel better) I'm going to write about what has become probably one of my favorite things in the world.

Being alone in a field or woods by myself. Well, not alone, because my dog is with me, but sans other human life. I have this large field behind my house, which used to be a wooded area but was cleared a few years ago because it was supposed to be a housing development. Then the housing market crashed and the field has been left alone ever since. While I know it won't stay that way forever, I desperately wish it would. If I had millions of dollars, I would purchase the land and make it a conservation area.

When the land was first logged, I was terribly upset. I hate seeing nature destroyed. It's the hippie in me. It was this ugly, brown mark on the land that you could see from the hill across the highway. It was boring, everything was dead. The trees were gone and you rarely saw the wildlife that had previously occupied the land. Then slowly, as nothing was done on the land, nature started growing back. It's all wild, and while there aren't the large trees that had stood before, it's a different kind of wonderful.

The field for me has become my escape. It's silly, because I can still see the houses and hear the highway. But when I put in my headphones, it's as if I am alone, far away from society and all the shit that goes along with it. My dog is running around like a crazed lunatic, and sometimes I see wild animals. The best part though, is how it makes me feel. I feel like I am very comfortably me. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but if you have a place where you are you, without any confusion or worry, then you understand. I feel like the optimum of everything I try to be, where I can face my flaws without worrying about them, or letting them bring me down. I feel.... free. The awesome thing is, this happens to me whenever I am outside, in nature. Or driving alone down a highway where no one else is. It's a pretty powerful feeling, and usually makes me feel better about whatever has been bothering me in my life.

I've pretty much always been one of those people who has to move to deal with serious things. If I want to talk to you about something, I'd much prefer it to be while we're on a walk, or going for a drive. If I'm anxious, I have to get up and do something, I can't just sit. I will also clean when I'm stressed, but having organization has been proven to reduce stress overall in a person's life. For me, I also just have to step away. Being outside is what calms me down. I think I love the field in particular because watching it grow back in to what it is now has been one reminder of something it took me a while to figure out. Nature always wins. It takes time, but it can adapt (evolve-if you will). It also ties in to something I never really realized I believed about my life, but has now become sort of like a motto to me. Remember the tortoise and the hare? How slow and steady wins the race? That's me. I've tried to be the quick mover who accomplishes a lot as a young person, but that's just not me. I'm more patient, and believe things unfold as they are supposed to. Sometimes I do get impatient with my life, wondering why I can't be more. Slowly though, I'm learning that when I truly want something, I don't let it go, and it just takes me a bit longer to get it. I have to remind myself that I will get there eventually, and life isn't a competition.

That's what these walks do for me. They let me take the pressure off of myself, and just... exist. And it is so damn nice. It really is.

What do I want to do with my life?

I have finally started to feel like I know what I want to do with my life. The problem is, I need experience to do it. To get experience, I have to apply to things. Applying to things is not something I am good at. I applied to 2 colleges my first go-round, and 1 my second. I applied to 1 school to study abroad. For the job that I had for 4.5 years, I pretty much only applied to it. For the job I have now, I applied to... 2. Maybe 3. All in all, I have never been one to apply for multiple things at once. I tend to follow my intuition, apply, get it, and live with it. I often think about how I really should apply to more places, things that I want... but dear god I hate applications. I hate gettting references. I hate filling out my job experience. I'm a damn good worker, and can probably succeed in whatever they may want me to do. However, me saying that is not really good enough to make others believe it.

I've been looking more into what I want to write my other blog on, and the volunteering/job that I want, and I got overwhelmed. I don't like knowing there's so much out there that I am not a part of, but should be. This is something for which I actually have some passion, but I have a really hard time turning it in to reality. It stresses me out, and I get scared. This is why I want to stay in school forever. I'm good at it, and I get to learn about a bunch of things without actually having to do them. I'm really good at observing, being in the background. It's not to say that I'm wimpy, but I feel like I'm in over my head when it comes to doing what I truly want. The sad part is, it's not when I'm in the middle of it that I feel in over my head, it's getting started. It's making connections, making yourself known. I hate the time that takes, and it always feels like so much effort. It's the balance between being assertive, but respectful. I would much rather not step on toes to get what I want.

I'm a strong believer that being a good, kind person, will do you well in life. I can be a bitch-certainly- but I really do try to be a good person. Especially when it comes to work. I know that you are supposed to be assertive to elevate yourself, but I would much rather keep my soul and be recognized for being a good worker. I don't want to get a promotion or a job because someone else screwed up, and I'm the next best thing. I want to get it because I am the best thing, and I'm good at what I do. I try really hard not to talk about my coworkers (at least to my other coworkers) because I don't want to be in the type of environment. I'll listen to them, because I like to know what's going on, but I try not to say too much. I'd rather just walk the line, and do what I feel I need to do. Even though the job I have currently is just that-a job- I'd still really like to be promoted and do the best I can.

Getting started is always the hardest part for me, as I said in my first post. I need that inital push to get myself started, to believe that it will work out. I feel so lazy and pathetic when I can't just do what I know I need to do. I don't know what it's so hard. If I could figure that out, I wouldn't still have this problem. I'll get there eventually, I just have to do it on my own timetable. But my own timetable needs to be sped up a little.

Some quick things

Why is it not considered rude to say, "You're tall!" but people get very offended if you say, "You're short!"

This is something I have put up with all my life. Generally it's followed by, "Do you play sports?" When I say "Not really." it's then like I am wasting my height. I just don't understand why it seems socially acceptable to comment on someone's height only if it is to say how tall they are. Today, a woman told a co-worker that tall people should thank short people, because short people make tall people tall. She then stared right at me. Yeah, no. I'm not going to thank you for being short. There is nothing wrong with being short! In fact, short people live longer. So, be happy about that.

Second thing that people seem to think it's totally appropriate to comment on: weight, so long as you're thin. It is generally very difficult to offend me, but the other day a woman said, "You're very thin, like my sister. Are you that way naturally, or do you have to work for it?" Honestly, I was a little taken aback. You wouldn't ask a morbidly obese person if they are heavy from genetics, or if they just eat a lot and exercise little. I understand that being tall and thin has been idealized in our society, and somehow that makes it okay to comment on when people are tall and thin, but I really wish it wasn't. It's super awkward. What do you want me to say? Being thin has led to some really awkward situations all my life. I AM naturally thin, but I also work out and try to eat a semi-healthy diet. In fact, this could lead to some more ranting but I said this would be quick, and I need to take my dog for a walk.


This kind of sums up my future rant:

Relationships pt 1.

Lately, I've been heavily contemplating relationships. Mostly because 1. I'm not in one 2. I don't want one 3. I work with a bunch of married people 4. The people that aren't married are engaged 5. I have very few girlfriends not in relationships, but 6. The majority of my male friends are not in relationships.

Of the people I work with who are not in relationships, 2 desperately want to be, 1 recently got a divorce, and the other has a sort of man friend. So, I am constantly surrounded with wedding talk. Weddings are fun to think about. I've never been to one, and I'm not sitting here planning my potential-future-wedding, but I definitely enjoy looking at dresses and ideas. It's just hard not to think about it when it surrounds you on a day to day basis.

It's also hard because quite frankly, I don't really know if I want to get married. I can't say with certainty that I will never get married, but I have commitment issues. It means I really consider you in my life if I can plan things with you that are more than a few days out. I'm incredibly evasive when people ask me if I want to do things, and often use "maybe" or "we'll see" as a response. I hate being considered flaky, so I try not to commit myself to things unless I know I will go. I'd rather be honest and say "no." (Side-note: one of my first words was 'no' and in general, I don't have a problem using it.)

Part of my commitment issues stem from my lack of ability to sustain feelings. I can usually tell within a few weeks of knowing someone whether I will have deeper feelings for them. It's something that I have tended to  ignore in the beginnings of relationships, in hopes that I will change my mind. Yet it never seems to happen that way. And I have had some truly amazing boyfriends. I've only been in love once, and that was.. pretty awesome. That ended, which was not surprising. We dated from 18-20ish, a time of monumental change. I don't know how people manage to change in a way where each individual changes, and that change matches the other persons, and they stay in love. My relationship ended mostly (as far as I know. If I'm wrong, don't correct me) because we fell out of love. Since then, I've never really been able to manage things longer than a few months. How can I possibly handle a life time?

Once, an ex-boyfriend (the only one I do not like) told another friend that I was "a dragon" because I can't be contained or reigned in. It's true. I have goals in my life, that really don't involve anyone else. I want to be able to pick up my life, and move it freely if I have to. I don't want to have to consider another person's feelings and reactions if I want to alter something in my life. It's selfish-I know that. That's why I'm not trying to have a relationship, because quite frankly, I want to be a little selfish. I'm young, and I don't have the energy to worry about somebody else's life right now. Plus, I actually like myself a lot more when I am not in a relationship. I don't have any pressure to make some one else happy, or worry about if things are going well, or if I'm doing enough.

I could probably write pages upon pages of how I feel about relationships, but that would just be too much. My point is: I'm happy being single. I really am.

This blog.

Lately I've been feeling rather restless-intellectually. I figured a way to combat that would be to attempt a blog, where I could get a lot of this out.
Now I don't even know how to start this. I have a fair amount running through my head at all times, and starting things has always been the hardest part for me. I used to write my introductions last in papers.

Anyway, I guess a way to start this is to explain more. I recently had a birthday, and as I absolutely love my birthday, I consider it a time of change. And, as the past 2 years or so of my life have not really been that great, I am determined to make year 23 better. My goal is to do what makes me happy, make it so I am more or less satisfied with my life. I'm tired of waiting for my real life to begin. It's been my fault, so I'm actively trying to change it. I'm hoping this blog, along with another blog I plan on writing is what keeps me in check.

My long term goal is to go to grad school, starting the fall of 2014. I don't want to continue to waste my potential, my brain, and my abilities. I'm attempting to take things in to my own hands, because that's who I want to be. I find  myself often trying to compare who I am vs. who I've been vs. who I want to be. I know that there is more that I can be doing, I just lack the motivation. So, I'm trying to build my motivation. I'm afraid it won't last because longevity isn't really my strong suit when it comes to activities.

Here's hoping this actually works. This is my current motivation, which will soon be hanging up in my bathroom, with a couple other things that inspire me. (I recently redid my bathroom, and I figure since that's where I spend time getting ready in the morning, it's the most likely location I'll notice these things.)