One thing that I have always been fascinated by has been my dreams. I have always been a vivid dreamer, and can still recall childhood dreams with more clarity than a TV show I saw last week. I've always been one of those people who often wakes up feeling certain emotions, depending on the dreams. Sure, I don't have intense dreams every night, but I usually remember dreaming almost every night. It's surreal when you wake up feeling more happiness, heartbreak, fear or some other strong emotion than you ever feel throughout the day. Of course, the negative dreams linger longer than the good ones, but such is life. I've never seen Inception, but from what I understand of it, I really don't need to. I've dreamed within a dream, within in a dream. I've had supernatural experiences in my dreams. I've been half awake, unable to make my body move while my brain is telling me I need to get up. (By the way, that is the worst fucking feeling ever. You feel as though someone is watching you or robbing you or about to violate you, and you can not move. You can not speak, you can't pull yourself out of whatever that place is. You feel a heavy pressure, and I imagine it's much like what being paralyzed feels like. As someone who does not like losing control of their body, it's terrifying.) I've had mofia dreams, several times, where the mob kills my whole family and I have to run because they are hunting me. I have my famous 'penis' dream which is really funny, but at the time was frightening. I've had dreams of boys and crushes that seemed so real that they still bring a smile to my face. I've had points where I can't remember if what I remember is a dream, or if it happened in real life. Yet overall, with all the bad (which reflecting on my dreamemories [a word I just made up] seem to outweigh the good), I've always loved dreaming. I've always had a good relationship with sleep. I don't think sleep is a waste of time, because my brain works so hard during it. And sleep is just awesome in general, biologically and beyond.
Until recently. My quarterlife crisis has been staring me in the face lately, to the point where my mom thinks I might have an ulcer. I took a mental health day off of work, and just about had a breakdown. My body was revolting against food, my torso was continuously in pain, and it was just overall not that great. Things aren't quite so bad and my stomach seems to have calmed down. But my sleep is still a little janky, and it worries me. Off and on over the last month, I've had issues sleeping. I blame it on the heat, because I hate the heat, and need a room to be cold to be comfortable when sleep. I just don't fall asleep as easily and wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night. Which, according to every sleep aid commercial, most Americans have it a lot worse than that.
However, this last week has freaked me out a bit beyond that. For instance, last night, as well as the night of the 4th, it honestly kind of felt like my body was trying to kill me. That is a big exaggeration, and the pain wasn't that, but it was more of the way that I felt when I woke up. I had odd dreams-not really scary, but just..... such a consuming bad feeling. I had to get up and get out of bed to try to make myself feel better. I can't even fully describe the way I felt when I woke up, or the emotion that would be attached to it. It was... heavy. It felt like an emotional weight that I hadn't really experienced before, and it was quite unpleasant. My stomach was in pain, but that may all be due to the potential ulcer. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but it feels like doom. Whether that's doom if I move, doom if I stay, doom in life in general, or what I am really unsure. I've just never felt like sleep isn't my safe place. I find my brain utterly interesting, but this scares me a bit quite frankly. It affects my morning, and takes me a long time to shake. I believe in listening to your body and your subconscious, yet I don't know what all of this means. I wish I could be linked up to a machine while I sleep to see what parts of the brain are activated while all of this is going on.
I know that my body isn't actually trying to kill me, so I just hope that I figure out this internal turmoil to go back to just the bizarre dreams that I prefer.
Until recently. My quarterlife crisis has been staring me in the face lately, to the point where my mom thinks I might have an ulcer. I took a mental health day off of work, and just about had a breakdown. My body was revolting against food, my torso was continuously in pain, and it was just overall not that great. Things aren't quite so bad and my stomach seems to have calmed down. But my sleep is still a little janky, and it worries me. Off and on over the last month, I've had issues sleeping. I blame it on the heat, because I hate the heat, and need a room to be cold to be comfortable when sleep. I just don't fall asleep as easily and wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night. Which, according to every sleep aid commercial, most Americans have it a lot worse than that.
However, this last week has freaked me out a bit beyond that. For instance, last night, as well as the night of the 4th, it honestly kind of felt like my body was trying to kill me. That is a big exaggeration, and the pain wasn't that, but it was more of the way that I felt when I woke up. I had odd dreams-not really scary, but just..... such a consuming bad feeling. I had to get up and get out of bed to try to make myself feel better. I can't even fully describe the way I felt when I woke up, or the emotion that would be attached to it. It was... heavy. It felt like an emotional weight that I hadn't really experienced before, and it was quite unpleasant. My stomach was in pain, but that may all be due to the potential ulcer. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but it feels like doom. Whether that's doom if I move, doom if I stay, doom in life in general, or what I am really unsure. I've just never felt like sleep isn't my safe place. I find my brain utterly interesting, but this scares me a bit quite frankly. It affects my morning, and takes me a long time to shake. I believe in listening to your body and your subconscious, yet I don't know what all of this means. I wish I could be linked up to a machine while I sleep to see what parts of the brain are activated while all of this is going on.
I know that my body isn't actually trying to kill me, so I just hope that I figure out this internal turmoil to go back to just the bizarre dreams that I prefer.
