Let's try this again

Okay. Here is one more attempt. Obviously, I am not great at keeping up a blog. But as I have recently moved and am living alone, there is very little mental stimulation going on in my little corner of the world. All I have essentially done on my week of vacation is sleep, watch Netflix, read, and go for walks. Of course I celebrated and had an amazing Independence Day in there too, as it is my favorite holiday and second favorite day of the year. In part I haven't done much because my friends were not on vacation with me, so there wasn't really anyone to do things with. In part I have been worried about my little nugget of a dog who I hope is starting to realize we live here and she just needs to know I will always come back to her here. Her separation anxiety has been reignited by the move (which I expected would happen, as this is a very stressful time for her), and she has chosen to express it vocally if I leave the house without her. However, when I hid in the basement with the internet man, she calmed down fairly quickly, so I believe (and hope) she doesn't whine all day long. Monday will be interesting when I go back to work and she will be alone all day. But she has done it before, and can do it again. I just hope she doesn't destroy anything important. Wish me luck.

Living alone means spending a more significant amount of time solo. I worry about boredom, I worry about becoming too much of a hermit. I can easily envision myself burrowing into my own created world, rarely surfacing. I assume that others know how to lose themselves in their own brain, but sometimes I am not so sure. Perhaps it is something others can't quite accomplish. I can feel the shifts and alterations in my brain and moods when I spend too much time alone. I notice changes in my eating patterns, sleep, energy, and general approach to life. So I am hoping by making myself blog maybe I can stay afloat, stay in touch with reality.

We'll see what happens. Maybe somewhere along the line I will learn how to remain interested in something. I haven't been very good at that for my whole life though. It is probably one of the most obnoxious things about me, in my opinion. I try to change it, but then I just don't have that internal motivation to do so, hence the origin of the problem. I also won't force myself to do something I don't want to do, because I learn to loathe it. Loathe it. Maybe it's good I recognize it? I don't know. I don't know why I have such a hard time committing to things. To people. To plans. To most things in general. I find it interesting, because while I have a hard committing to something, I am also incredibly loyal and have a hard time leaving things. Like work. My family. I have friends that I have known for over a decade. My dog. Peanut butter. I am an odd creature who has a routine and needs consistency, but also gets bored and wants change but with little desire to produce the change. Yeah, it's something I have been exploring for a long time. Not surprising though, have made very little progress in changing anything.

I also find in interesting that change for me isn't really that hard. I just moved, and am living alone, and all I feel is "meh." I got excited for about 3 days, and then by the time I moved, I was over it. Now I just live here, and that's life. I haven't really put any effort into decorating. I hope to paint, so hopefully that will help me want to actually put in the effort. I know a lot of women who said that they loved living alone when they were younger. That is was the best. We'll see. So far it doesn't really feel that different from when I lived in Montana. Or Morocco. Except there isn't anyone to make me food, and I have to do that all on my own.

I really miss having a boyfriend to cook for me. That was the best part of being in a relationship.

Kidding.

Kind of. I really like other people making me food.