Lately, I've been heavily contemplating relationships. Mostly because 1. I'm not in one 2. I don't want one 3. I work with a bunch of married people 4. The people that aren't married are engaged 5. I have very few girlfriends not in relationships, but 6. The majority of my male friends are not in relationships.
Of the people I work with who are not in relationships, 2 desperately want to be, 1 recently got a divorce, and the other has a sort of man friend. So, I am constantly surrounded with wedding talk. Weddings are fun to think about. I've never been to one, and I'm not sitting here planning my potential-future-wedding, but I definitely enjoy looking at dresses and ideas. It's just hard not to think about it when it surrounds you on a day to day basis.
It's also hard because quite frankly, I don't really know if I want to get married. I can't say with certainty that I will never get married, but I have commitment issues. It means I really consider you in my life if I can plan things with you that are more than a few days out. I'm incredibly evasive when people ask me if I want to do things, and often use "maybe" or "we'll see" as a response. I hate being considered flaky, so I try not to commit myself to things unless I know I will go. I'd rather be honest and say "no." (Side-note: one of my first words was 'no' and in general, I don't have a problem using it.)
Part of my commitment issues stem from my lack of ability to sustain feelings. I can usually tell within a few weeks of knowing someone whether I will have deeper feelings for them. It's something that I have tended to ignore in the beginnings of relationships, in hopes that I will change my mind. Yet it never seems to happen that way. And I have had some truly amazing boyfriends. I've only been in love once, and that was.. pretty awesome. That ended, which was not surprising. We dated from 18-20ish, a time of monumental change. I don't know how people manage to change in a way where each individual changes, and that change matches the other persons, and they stay in love. My relationship ended mostly (as far as I know. If I'm wrong, don't correct me) because we fell out of love. Since then, I've never really been able to manage things longer than a few months. How can I possibly handle a life time?
Once, an ex-boyfriend (the only one I do not like) told another friend that I was "a dragon" because I can't be contained or reigned in. It's true. I have goals in my life, that really don't involve anyone else. I want to be able to pick up my life, and move it freely if I have to. I don't want to have to consider another person's feelings and reactions if I want to alter something in my life. It's selfish-I know that. That's why I'm not trying to have a relationship, because quite frankly, I want to be a little selfish. I'm young, and I don't have the energy to worry about somebody else's life right now. Plus, I actually like myself a lot more when I am not in a relationship. I don't have any pressure to make some one else happy, or worry about if things are going well, or if I'm doing enough.
I could probably write pages upon pages of how I feel about relationships, but that would just be too much. My point is: I'm happy being single. I really am.
Of the people I work with who are not in relationships, 2 desperately want to be, 1 recently got a divorce, and the other has a sort of man friend. So, I am constantly surrounded with wedding talk. Weddings are fun to think about. I've never been to one, and I'm not sitting here planning my potential-future-wedding, but I definitely enjoy looking at dresses and ideas. It's just hard not to think about it when it surrounds you on a day to day basis.
It's also hard because quite frankly, I don't really know if I want to get married. I can't say with certainty that I will never get married, but I have commitment issues. It means I really consider you in my life if I can plan things with you that are more than a few days out. I'm incredibly evasive when people ask me if I want to do things, and often use "maybe" or "we'll see" as a response. I hate being considered flaky, so I try not to commit myself to things unless I know I will go. I'd rather be honest and say "no." (Side-note: one of my first words was 'no' and in general, I don't have a problem using it.)
Part of my commitment issues stem from my lack of ability to sustain feelings. I can usually tell within a few weeks of knowing someone whether I will have deeper feelings for them. It's something that I have tended to ignore in the beginnings of relationships, in hopes that I will change my mind. Yet it never seems to happen that way. And I have had some truly amazing boyfriends. I've only been in love once, and that was.. pretty awesome. That ended, which was not surprising. We dated from 18-20ish, a time of monumental change. I don't know how people manage to change in a way where each individual changes, and that change matches the other persons, and they stay in love. My relationship ended mostly (as far as I know. If I'm wrong, don't correct me) because we fell out of love. Since then, I've never really been able to manage things longer than a few months. How can I possibly handle a life time?
Once, an ex-boyfriend (the only one I do not like) told another friend that I was "a dragon" because I can't be contained or reigned in. It's true. I have goals in my life, that really don't involve anyone else. I want to be able to pick up my life, and move it freely if I have to. I don't want to have to consider another person's feelings and reactions if I want to alter something in my life. It's selfish-I know that. That's why I'm not trying to have a relationship, because quite frankly, I want to be a little selfish. I'm young, and I don't have the energy to worry about somebody else's life right now. Plus, I actually like myself a lot more when I am not in a relationship. I don't have any pressure to make some one else happy, or worry about if things are going well, or if I'm doing enough.
I could probably write pages upon pages of how I feel about relationships, but that would just be too much. My point is: I'm happy being single. I really am.
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