The post that may never be

I'm slowly working on a political post, but it keeps making mad, so I've been walking away. A lot of things about politics make me mad, which is unfortunate since I was a political science major and now I can barely handle a conversation concerning American politics because all I want to do is make loud "ughhhhhh-"type noises. So, rather than focus on that right now (even though it would likely make me feel better) I'm going to write about what has become probably one of my favorite things in the world.

Being alone in a field or woods by myself. Well, not alone, because my dog is with me, but sans other human life. I have this large field behind my house, which used to be a wooded area but was cleared a few years ago because it was supposed to be a housing development. Then the housing market crashed and the field has been left alone ever since. While I know it won't stay that way forever, I desperately wish it would. If I had millions of dollars, I would purchase the land and make it a conservation area.

When the land was first logged, I was terribly upset. I hate seeing nature destroyed. It's the hippie in me. It was this ugly, brown mark on the land that you could see from the hill across the highway. It was boring, everything was dead. The trees were gone and you rarely saw the wildlife that had previously occupied the land. Then slowly, as nothing was done on the land, nature started growing back. It's all wild, and while there aren't the large trees that had stood before, it's a different kind of wonderful.

The field for me has become my escape. It's silly, because I can still see the houses and hear the highway. But when I put in my headphones, it's as if I am alone, far away from society and all the shit that goes along with it. My dog is running around like a crazed lunatic, and sometimes I see wild animals. The best part though, is how it makes me feel. I feel like I am very comfortably me. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but if you have a place where you are you, without any confusion or worry, then you understand. I feel like the optimum of everything I try to be, where I can face my flaws without worrying about them, or letting them bring me down. I feel.... free. The awesome thing is, this happens to me whenever I am outside, in nature. Or driving alone down a highway where no one else is. It's a pretty powerful feeling, and usually makes me feel better about whatever has been bothering me in my life.

I've pretty much always been one of those people who has to move to deal with serious things. If I want to talk to you about something, I'd much prefer it to be while we're on a walk, or going for a drive. If I'm anxious, I have to get up and do something, I can't just sit. I will also clean when I'm stressed, but having organization has been proven to reduce stress overall in a person's life. For me, I also just have to step away. Being outside is what calms me down. I think I love the field in particular because watching it grow back in to what it is now has been one reminder of something it took me a while to figure out. Nature always wins. It takes time, but it can adapt (evolve-if you will). It also ties in to something I never really realized I believed about my life, but has now become sort of like a motto to me. Remember the tortoise and the hare? How slow and steady wins the race? That's me. I've tried to be the quick mover who accomplishes a lot as a young person, but that's just not me. I'm more patient, and believe things unfold as they are supposed to. Sometimes I do get impatient with my life, wondering why I can't be more. Slowly though, I'm learning that when I truly want something, I don't let it go, and it just takes me a bit longer to get it. I have to remind myself that I will get there eventually, and life isn't a competition.

That's what these walks do for me. They let me take the pressure off of myself, and just... exist. And it is so damn nice. It really is.

What do I want to do with my life?

I have finally started to feel like I know what I want to do with my life. The problem is, I need experience to do it. To get experience, I have to apply to things. Applying to things is not something I am good at. I applied to 2 colleges my first go-round, and 1 my second. I applied to 1 school to study abroad. For the job that I had for 4.5 years, I pretty much only applied to it. For the job I have now, I applied to... 2. Maybe 3. All in all, I have never been one to apply for multiple things at once. I tend to follow my intuition, apply, get it, and live with it. I often think about how I really should apply to more places, things that I want... but dear god I hate applications. I hate gettting references. I hate filling out my job experience. I'm a damn good worker, and can probably succeed in whatever they may want me to do. However, me saying that is not really good enough to make others believe it.

I've been looking more into what I want to write my other blog on, and the volunteering/job that I want, and I got overwhelmed. I don't like knowing there's so much out there that I am not a part of, but should be. This is something for which I actually have some passion, but I have a really hard time turning it in to reality. It stresses me out, and I get scared. This is why I want to stay in school forever. I'm good at it, and I get to learn about a bunch of things without actually having to do them. I'm really good at observing, being in the background. It's not to say that I'm wimpy, but I feel like I'm in over my head when it comes to doing what I truly want. The sad part is, it's not when I'm in the middle of it that I feel in over my head, it's getting started. It's making connections, making yourself known. I hate the time that takes, and it always feels like so much effort. It's the balance between being assertive, but respectful. I would much rather not step on toes to get what I want.

I'm a strong believer that being a good, kind person, will do you well in life. I can be a bitch-certainly- but I really do try to be a good person. Especially when it comes to work. I know that you are supposed to be assertive to elevate yourself, but I would much rather keep my soul and be recognized for being a good worker. I don't want to get a promotion or a job because someone else screwed up, and I'm the next best thing. I want to get it because I am the best thing, and I'm good at what I do. I try really hard not to talk about my coworkers (at least to my other coworkers) because I don't want to be in the type of environment. I'll listen to them, because I like to know what's going on, but I try not to say too much. I'd rather just walk the line, and do what I feel I need to do. Even though the job I have currently is just that-a job- I'd still really like to be promoted and do the best I can.

Getting started is always the hardest part for me, as I said in my first post. I need that inital push to get myself started, to believe that it will work out. I feel so lazy and pathetic when I can't just do what I know I need to do. I don't know what it's so hard. If I could figure that out, I wouldn't still have this problem. I'll get there eventually, I just have to do it on my own timetable. But my own timetable needs to be sped up a little.

Some quick things

Why is it not considered rude to say, "You're tall!" but people get very offended if you say, "You're short!"

This is something I have put up with all my life. Generally it's followed by, "Do you play sports?" When I say "Not really." it's then like I am wasting my height. I just don't understand why it seems socially acceptable to comment on someone's height only if it is to say how tall they are. Today, a woman told a co-worker that tall people should thank short people, because short people make tall people tall. She then stared right at me. Yeah, no. I'm not going to thank you for being short. There is nothing wrong with being short! In fact, short people live longer. So, be happy about that.

Second thing that people seem to think it's totally appropriate to comment on: weight, so long as you're thin. It is generally very difficult to offend me, but the other day a woman said, "You're very thin, like my sister. Are you that way naturally, or do you have to work for it?" Honestly, I was a little taken aback. You wouldn't ask a morbidly obese person if they are heavy from genetics, or if they just eat a lot and exercise little. I understand that being tall and thin has been idealized in our society, and somehow that makes it okay to comment on when people are tall and thin, but I really wish it wasn't. It's super awkward. What do you want me to say? Being thin has led to some really awkward situations all my life. I AM naturally thin, but I also work out and try to eat a semi-healthy diet. In fact, this could lead to some more ranting but I said this would be quick, and I need to take my dog for a walk.


This kind of sums up my future rant:

Relationships pt 1.

Lately, I've been heavily contemplating relationships. Mostly because 1. I'm not in one 2. I don't want one 3. I work with a bunch of married people 4. The people that aren't married are engaged 5. I have very few girlfriends not in relationships, but 6. The majority of my male friends are not in relationships.

Of the people I work with who are not in relationships, 2 desperately want to be, 1 recently got a divorce, and the other has a sort of man friend. So, I am constantly surrounded with wedding talk. Weddings are fun to think about. I've never been to one, and I'm not sitting here planning my potential-future-wedding, but I definitely enjoy looking at dresses and ideas. It's just hard not to think about it when it surrounds you on a day to day basis.

It's also hard because quite frankly, I don't really know if I want to get married. I can't say with certainty that I will never get married, but I have commitment issues. It means I really consider you in my life if I can plan things with you that are more than a few days out. I'm incredibly evasive when people ask me if I want to do things, and often use "maybe" or "we'll see" as a response. I hate being considered flaky, so I try not to commit myself to things unless I know I will go. I'd rather be honest and say "no." (Side-note: one of my first words was 'no' and in general, I don't have a problem using it.)

Part of my commitment issues stem from my lack of ability to sustain feelings. I can usually tell within a few weeks of knowing someone whether I will have deeper feelings for them. It's something that I have tended to  ignore in the beginnings of relationships, in hopes that I will change my mind. Yet it never seems to happen that way. And I have had some truly amazing boyfriends. I've only been in love once, and that was.. pretty awesome. That ended, which was not surprising. We dated from 18-20ish, a time of monumental change. I don't know how people manage to change in a way where each individual changes, and that change matches the other persons, and they stay in love. My relationship ended mostly (as far as I know. If I'm wrong, don't correct me) because we fell out of love. Since then, I've never really been able to manage things longer than a few months. How can I possibly handle a life time?

Once, an ex-boyfriend (the only one I do not like) told another friend that I was "a dragon" because I can't be contained or reigned in. It's true. I have goals in my life, that really don't involve anyone else. I want to be able to pick up my life, and move it freely if I have to. I don't want to have to consider another person's feelings and reactions if I want to alter something in my life. It's selfish-I know that. That's why I'm not trying to have a relationship, because quite frankly, I want to be a little selfish. I'm young, and I don't have the energy to worry about somebody else's life right now. Plus, I actually like myself a lot more when I am not in a relationship. I don't have any pressure to make some one else happy, or worry about if things are going well, or if I'm doing enough.

I could probably write pages upon pages of how I feel about relationships, but that would just be too much. My point is: I'm happy being single. I really am.

This blog.

Lately I've been feeling rather restless-intellectually. I figured a way to combat that would be to attempt a blog, where I could get a lot of this out.
Now I don't even know how to start this. I have a fair amount running through my head at all times, and starting things has always been the hardest part for me. I used to write my introductions last in papers.

Anyway, I guess a way to start this is to explain more. I recently had a birthday, and as I absolutely love my birthday, I consider it a time of change. And, as the past 2 years or so of my life have not really been that great, I am determined to make year 23 better. My goal is to do what makes me happy, make it so I am more or less satisfied with my life. I'm tired of waiting for my real life to begin. It's been my fault, so I'm actively trying to change it. I'm hoping this blog, along with another blog I plan on writing is what keeps me in check.

My long term goal is to go to grad school, starting the fall of 2014. I don't want to continue to waste my potential, my brain, and my abilities. I'm attempting to take things in to my own hands, because that's who I want to be. I find  myself often trying to compare who I am vs. who I've been vs. who I want to be. I know that there is more that I can be doing, I just lack the motivation. So, I'm trying to build my motivation. I'm afraid it won't last because longevity isn't really my strong suit when it comes to activities.

Here's hoping this actually works. This is my current motivation, which will soon be hanging up in my bathroom, with a couple other things that inspire me. (I recently redid my bathroom, and I figure since that's where I spend time getting ready in the morning, it's the most likely location I'll notice these things.)