Oh, hey there.

I really needed last weekend. I got to see old friends, I got to travel, the weather was gorgeous, and it was overall a pretty carefree weekend. Plus, I got to go to Vancouver, which in my head has been existing as a form of paradise, a magical place where all my dreams will come true. This is because I have sort of set my heart on going to grad school at UBC. Vancouver itself was a little overwhelming for me, I'm not going to lie. BUT HOLY SHIT was campus amazing. It was big, but quiet. At the end was a superb view of the bay and the mountains. It was secluded from the rest of the city, which made it feel very Northwest. Or I suppose Southwest, since it was Canada. The only downside is the expense of living in Vancouver/surrounding area. It's incredibly expensive, and very hard to do with a not-so-small dog. One thing I gained over this past week, however, is extra determination to go. Now my biggest fear is not getting accepted. I think that would legitimately break my heart. So, it fueled me to work on my volunteering and to make things happen. I sent out an email to my dream location today, so I'm hoping she'll respond with something I can do. I donated money last week, but I don't think that really counts.

Another aspect that has helped my determination, I think, is that I feel as though my parents are coming around to the idea more, and are growing more supportive. I was going to do it anyway, but my parents are an incredibly large part of my life, and there's still the little girl in me that wants to make them proud. Having their support just helps my overall moral. Plus, my mom surprised my brother and I this morning with a monetary gift from my grandma's estate. My grandma didn't have a will, so her money was to be evenly divided between her children. My mom has decided to share that with my brother and me, and I am incredibly grateful. This has not solved all my problems, no where near it, but I know she knows that this is a huge thing for me. All I am currently worried about is how to afford school in Canada. I did a cost calculator at the UBC website, and they say I need 30k to survive each year. The program is 2 years. The sad part is, the school itself is only 1/3rd of the cost. Not even, actually. It's the living expenses that add up quite quickly. Of course I would work, and I would love to get a scholarship, but I would prefer to not be completely broke while attending school. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst.

I just want to be brave enough to do it. I trust in me, and I trust that things happen as they are supposed to. If this is meant to be, then it will be. If it's not, then something else will just come of it. It reminds me of one of my favorite movie quotes: "You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand."
I just have to brave enough to push destiny the way I want.



(I may also be feeling a little postive and bright because of the weather outside. It's so warm and sunny, the flowers are starting to bloom. You can't help but feel happy.)

The post that may never be

I'm slowly working on a political post, but it keeps making mad, so I've been walking away. A lot of things about politics make me mad, which is unfortunate since I was a political science major and now I can barely handle a conversation concerning American politics because all I want to do is make loud "ughhhhhh-"type noises. So, rather than focus on that right now (even though it would likely make me feel better) I'm going to write about what has become probably one of my favorite things in the world.

Being alone in a field or woods by myself. Well, not alone, because my dog is with me, but sans other human life. I have this large field behind my house, which used to be a wooded area but was cleared a few years ago because it was supposed to be a housing development. Then the housing market crashed and the field has been left alone ever since. While I know it won't stay that way forever, I desperately wish it would. If I had millions of dollars, I would purchase the land and make it a conservation area.

When the land was first logged, I was terribly upset. I hate seeing nature destroyed. It's the hippie in me. It was this ugly, brown mark on the land that you could see from the hill across the highway. It was boring, everything was dead. The trees were gone and you rarely saw the wildlife that had previously occupied the land. Then slowly, as nothing was done on the land, nature started growing back. It's all wild, and while there aren't the large trees that had stood before, it's a different kind of wonderful.

The field for me has become my escape. It's silly, because I can still see the houses and hear the highway. But when I put in my headphones, it's as if I am alone, far away from society and all the shit that goes along with it. My dog is running around like a crazed lunatic, and sometimes I see wild animals. The best part though, is how it makes me feel. I feel like I am very comfortably me. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but if you have a place where you are you, without any confusion or worry, then you understand. I feel like the optimum of everything I try to be, where I can face my flaws without worrying about them, or letting them bring me down. I feel.... free. The awesome thing is, this happens to me whenever I am outside, in nature. Or driving alone down a highway where no one else is. It's a pretty powerful feeling, and usually makes me feel better about whatever has been bothering me in my life.

I've pretty much always been one of those people who has to move to deal with serious things. If I want to talk to you about something, I'd much prefer it to be while we're on a walk, or going for a drive. If I'm anxious, I have to get up and do something, I can't just sit. I will also clean when I'm stressed, but having organization has been proven to reduce stress overall in a person's life. For me, I also just have to step away. Being outside is what calms me down. I think I love the field in particular because watching it grow back in to what it is now has been one reminder of something it took me a while to figure out. Nature always wins. It takes time, but it can adapt (evolve-if you will). It also ties in to something I never really realized I believed about my life, but has now become sort of like a motto to me. Remember the tortoise and the hare? How slow and steady wins the race? That's me. I've tried to be the quick mover who accomplishes a lot as a young person, but that's just not me. I'm more patient, and believe things unfold as they are supposed to. Sometimes I do get impatient with my life, wondering why I can't be more. Slowly though, I'm learning that when I truly want something, I don't let it go, and it just takes me a bit longer to get it. I have to remind myself that I will get there eventually, and life isn't a competition.

That's what these walks do for me. They let me take the pressure off of myself, and just... exist. And it is so damn nice. It really is.

What do I want to do with my life?

I have finally started to feel like I know what I want to do with my life. The problem is, I need experience to do it. To get experience, I have to apply to things. Applying to things is not something I am good at. I applied to 2 colleges my first go-round, and 1 my second. I applied to 1 school to study abroad. For the job that I had for 4.5 years, I pretty much only applied to it. For the job I have now, I applied to... 2. Maybe 3. All in all, I have never been one to apply for multiple things at once. I tend to follow my intuition, apply, get it, and live with it. I often think about how I really should apply to more places, things that I want... but dear god I hate applications. I hate gettting references. I hate filling out my job experience. I'm a damn good worker, and can probably succeed in whatever they may want me to do. However, me saying that is not really good enough to make others believe it.

I've been looking more into what I want to write my other blog on, and the volunteering/job that I want, and I got overwhelmed. I don't like knowing there's so much out there that I am not a part of, but should be. This is something for which I actually have some passion, but I have a really hard time turning it in to reality. It stresses me out, and I get scared. This is why I want to stay in school forever. I'm good at it, and I get to learn about a bunch of things without actually having to do them. I'm really good at observing, being in the background. It's not to say that I'm wimpy, but I feel like I'm in over my head when it comes to doing what I truly want. The sad part is, it's not when I'm in the middle of it that I feel in over my head, it's getting started. It's making connections, making yourself known. I hate the time that takes, and it always feels like so much effort. It's the balance between being assertive, but respectful. I would much rather not step on toes to get what I want.

I'm a strong believer that being a good, kind person, will do you well in life. I can be a bitch-certainly- but I really do try to be a good person. Especially when it comes to work. I know that you are supposed to be assertive to elevate yourself, but I would much rather keep my soul and be recognized for being a good worker. I don't want to get a promotion or a job because someone else screwed up, and I'm the next best thing. I want to get it because I am the best thing, and I'm good at what I do. I try really hard not to talk about my coworkers (at least to my other coworkers) because I don't want to be in the type of environment. I'll listen to them, because I like to know what's going on, but I try not to say too much. I'd rather just walk the line, and do what I feel I need to do. Even though the job I have currently is just that-a job- I'd still really like to be promoted and do the best I can.

Getting started is always the hardest part for me, as I said in my first post. I need that inital push to get myself started, to believe that it will work out. I feel so lazy and pathetic when I can't just do what I know I need to do. I don't know what it's so hard. If I could figure that out, I wouldn't still have this problem. I'll get there eventually, I just have to do it on my own timetable. But my own timetable needs to be sped up a little.